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This is interesting to post after my last no holds barred keep on rockin' in the free world yahoo go us post, but...eh.
It has sort of finally and quietly come to my attention what exactly it is that I'm feeling these days, during yet another weekend currently being spent sitting alone in my apartment. I could throw a party and a good 50 people would show up in a heartbeat, but I'm fairly certain that these days the vast majority would only be here for the free food or liquor or the chance for possible sex, gossip, or fights...since the same vast majority are the people I scroll past in my cell phone as I look for someone to call and think "no, no, no they never call back, no they never answer anyway, no why even bother with that one, no they flake out every time anyway, no they can't be bothered when they're dating someone, no, no, no..."
I am really tired of that, for one.
But moreover I keep looking around. And looking inside. In my life, once upon a time as a child, I found I had a huge aptitude for visual art. I could draw before I could walk. I had mastered skills people trained for years before I was still a young child. In school I found I had a huge aptitude for learning. I read everything, I devoured information. I could read as an adult before I left elementary school. I found music. I dove into it. I learned to read music. I learned to sing. Then I learned to play guitar. Then I fiddled with piano. All that music led to acting. I threw myself into every show I could get near. I performed. I went into makeup as well, then sets, then costumes. I learned to sew. I learned to design. I excelled at it, but it left me unsatisfied. I threw myself back into performance. I acted. I sang. During all that time I couldn't deal with suburbia. I moved to New York. My birth into Catholocism fizzled, I'll be a Protestant. Christianity didn't work for me so I became Wiccan. I didn't quite fit the mold so I identify as Pagan. I tried food to fill me up but it never worked, maybe I'll try alcohol. Alcohol doesn't work, maybe I'll try a drug. I don't like drugs, maybe sex will work. I can't get sex, maybe it's friends I need. A few close friends wasn't working out, I made tons of friends. Tons of friends wasn't enough, I finally became a sexual being. But I needed something more...I discovered BDSM. I threw myself into that. I got corsets, whips, chains. I had sex. Sex wasn't enough. I didn't want a relationship, it wasn't enough...I discovered polyamory. But relationships have been elusive, I needed sex. I wanted more music. I wanted to learn to play bodhran. When I learned that I decided I needed a better one. I got another bodhran. I decided I wanted to learn tinwhistle, I got one, I decided I wanted to learn fiddle, I picked one up. These friends treat me like shit, I'll get new friends. I missed riding a bike, I went out and bought one, the U.S. and what its become leaves me cold...I want to immigrate to Canada, I'm tired of New York, maybe I'll take a trip to Toronto. I'm tired of cities, I need some trees and something different, maybe I'll take a trip to Newfoundland. My music collection is getting huge, maybe I should get an iPod...maybe I'll get another tattoo...maybe I should, maybe I need, maybe I want...I want...I need...I should...want...need...want...more, need, want, desire, more, next, more, more, more...
Maybe be I'll be happy when I have this. Maybe satisfied when I go there. Maybe I'll be fulfilled when I can do that.
I'm empty. Nothing ever satisfies me. I'm always looking for the next thing. The next art, the next musical instrument, the next gadget, the next idea...but I've run out of ideas. I've found everything I'm good at. I have no more addictions or obsessions. I'm stopping myself before I go broke. I'm plum out of ideas. I'm staring at the walls, and I don't feel anything. Just emptiness.
And for the first time in my life, I have absolutely no idea what to do next.
It has sort of finally and quietly come to my attention what exactly it is that I'm feeling these days, during yet another weekend currently being spent sitting alone in my apartment. I could throw a party and a good 50 people would show up in a heartbeat, but I'm fairly certain that these days the vast majority would only be here for the free food or liquor or the chance for possible sex, gossip, or fights...since the same vast majority are the people I scroll past in my cell phone as I look for someone to call and think "no, no, no they never call back, no they never answer anyway, no why even bother with that one, no they flake out every time anyway, no they can't be bothered when they're dating someone, no, no, no..."
I am really tired of that, for one.
But moreover I keep looking around. And looking inside. In my life, once upon a time as a child, I found I had a huge aptitude for visual art. I could draw before I could walk. I had mastered skills people trained for years before I was still a young child. In school I found I had a huge aptitude for learning. I read everything, I devoured information. I could read as an adult before I left elementary school. I found music. I dove into it. I learned to read music. I learned to sing. Then I learned to play guitar. Then I fiddled with piano. All that music led to acting. I threw myself into every show I could get near. I performed. I went into makeup as well, then sets, then costumes. I learned to sew. I learned to design. I excelled at it, but it left me unsatisfied. I threw myself back into performance. I acted. I sang. During all that time I couldn't deal with suburbia. I moved to New York. My birth into Catholocism fizzled, I'll be a Protestant. Christianity didn't work for me so I became Wiccan. I didn't quite fit the mold so I identify as Pagan. I tried food to fill me up but it never worked, maybe I'll try alcohol. Alcohol doesn't work, maybe I'll try a drug. I don't like drugs, maybe sex will work. I can't get sex, maybe it's friends I need. A few close friends wasn't working out, I made tons of friends. Tons of friends wasn't enough, I finally became a sexual being. But I needed something more...I discovered BDSM. I threw myself into that. I got corsets, whips, chains. I had sex. Sex wasn't enough. I didn't want a relationship, it wasn't enough...I discovered polyamory. But relationships have been elusive, I needed sex. I wanted more music. I wanted to learn to play bodhran. When I learned that I decided I needed a better one. I got another bodhran. I decided I wanted to learn tinwhistle, I got one, I decided I wanted to learn fiddle, I picked one up. These friends treat me like shit, I'll get new friends. I missed riding a bike, I went out and bought one, the U.S. and what its become leaves me cold...I want to immigrate to Canada, I'm tired of New York, maybe I'll take a trip to Toronto. I'm tired of cities, I need some trees and something different, maybe I'll take a trip to Newfoundland. My music collection is getting huge, maybe I should get an iPod...maybe I'll get another tattoo...maybe I should, maybe I need, maybe I want...I want...I need...I should...want...need...want...more, need, want, desire, more, next, more, more, more...
Maybe be I'll be happy when I have this. Maybe satisfied when I go there. Maybe I'll be fulfilled when I can do that.
I'm empty. Nothing ever satisfies me. I'm always looking for the next thing. The next art, the next musical instrument, the next gadget, the next idea...but I've run out of ideas. I've found everything I'm good at. I have no more addictions or obsessions. I'm stopping myself before I go broke. I'm plum out of ideas. I'm staring at the walls, and I don't feel anything. Just emptiness.
And for the first time in my life, I have absolutely no idea what to do next.
numb
Short term, I would recommend that you just take some time for yourself for a bit. From what you've written here, it sounds like you're rushing around between this, that and the other thing, and putting a lot more effort into dealing with others (e.g., all these friends who sound as though they're questionable friends anyway) than you are with yourself. So I'd say try to relax at least for a bit. Let yourself breathe. Let yourself just be. Take a bit of time out from all these other demands on your life for a bit. They'll be there when you get back. (I do this every so often myself, just taking a week's break off from the Internet, or from writing, or whatever.)
Long term, that's harder. 'What do I want and need out of my life?' is a question that can take a lot more time than you've given it so far to answer--I've got a friend of my own age who's trying to answer that very question for herself. 'Happiness and fulfillment' are answers, sure, but I think that they're only the beginnings of answers. For me, at least, the question became more 'what do I need to do to find happiness and fulfillment?'
And for me, the answer to that is 'write'. The funny thing is, I'd always known that through most of my life, but it took me until my thirties to really figure it out and to make myself start doing something about it. The trick has been, too, to be willing to take the time necessary to do it and do it right. I'm two years in on the serious effort already and I expect to be putting in many years past these. Works the same way with exercise--I've got this goal of getting back down into the 140's, and it's taking me a lot longer than I'd like, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have to just do a little effort a day and eventually I'll get there.
I don't know how much of this or if any of this will help. But anyway, I wanted to say something, and to let you know that somebody out here heard ya. Hang in there, and I hope you'll be able to find some answers to what you're seeking someday soon.
I think you're right...for me I always felt the answer was music and theatre, and I haven't been doing anything serious with it recently, so I think that's the problem...it's totally a question of motivating myself and not being so afraid of failure. I guess that's true for a lot of things for me.
Music speaks to me to a lesser degree--if I had an extra me, she'd be working on the music while I keep working on the writing. :) So I'm totally with you on that. And yeah, working up the motivation and figuring out how to conquer the fear of failure are hard things to tackle. I can see them being even more daunting with music than they are with writing--at least with writing, one usually has the buffer of physical distance when sending off a manuscript that'll most likely only come back rejected. With music, though, you've got that risk of having to perform in front of actual PEOPLE.
If you think about the ideal life path for yourself, does it involve either music or theater, or both of them?
just helps for me...
I heart you beautiful.
Al
i've been thinking about something like that...the question is what to do. hmmm...
i've been thinking about something like that...the question is what to do. hmmm...
Drop me a line next time your on, or give a shout
*hugs*
Though, re-read that post and take a look at all the things you have done. It's quite remarkable really
i've been wondering what you were up to...i haven't caught online in like a week. if we don't catch each other today (i see ya on msn but you've got an away message up)...i'll call you tonight.
I can't comment on sex or relationships in your life. I personally got the feeling I was boring you to death. :)